What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 04:53
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Comes on , in middle age.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
How do I rat my boss out for serial cheating on his wife?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Im still living with it.
One cannot live in the past .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Especially a lifetime of it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She married twice! .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Can I fix a fridge leak myself, or should I call a pro?
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it wasn’t much.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Would this be the day?
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She was in good health!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I don,t even have a pension.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Who then, do I blame.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We all went to grammer schools
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So, i spoilt her more .
Was to survive, this bastard.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was 9 years of age.
Put me off passion for life!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
All the time i was locked up.
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I waited trembling.
I write beautiful poetry .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When she asked me how she looked .
I will be 64.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So whats the point in blame.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were not on the streets..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What did i know ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is soul school!.
I was scared of men, in general
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I have no regrets .
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Ive learnt so much.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was very sick at this time too.
I think the readers, may guess!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?